Middle Child

Happiness is the absence of pain.Passion is unstable. logic is constant. Morality is subconscious; It's like you see what nobody else sees. Why make a man if only to watch him die? Meditation makes me claustrophobic. As cool as I remain. Love's right up my avenue, there's a point in which I'll lose my self restraint.


So,
remind me of my mortality.
I'm troubled, I'm introverted, I'm nothing you know of

I've always choked in the face of hate, battling addiction between premonitions. I've come to grips that ya’ll slipped on my recent efforts. I cause a bedlam on my artwork, embarrass these people that pretend

I know this a new beginning; Just hope my name is whispered once or twice on living souls when I'm gone.

The inner me is telling' me, "I gotta embrace it" The winner in me is telling, "They won't get it."

"Tuesday, 23rd of January, 2018.

I'm here with Boblo
This is our first session
“We're just going to talk about your background...Where you're from, any issues you've been dealing with
So, where should we start?
If you made a list of people that you trusted would you put your name down?”

Well....

There’re so many old scars that I want to reveal but I know myself all too well to be no stranger of pain. 
Deeper insecurities - The atmosphere where I matured wasn't friendly.

"Look!
Stop all the pain
How do you stop all the pain, huh?"

I was born a little black boy… Always been a little lost and I still might be. Kinda feels like a dream that I’m gonna wake from someday. Travel in my brain, woo, might find damage and no grace. 

Do you know how easy it is to be a sinner?
Find myself, always questioning what comes next for me
I can't be the only this—

Really used to be the quietest one. I Guess I learnt how to speak less and think louder. You see, I've always been an over-thinker, always been the type to analyse.
I'm always calm through the worst shit -thought I'd let you know.


They tell me open up more, I told them "File damaged." Feels like I am always choking with all these emotions. Life will hit you with a light jab like Mike Tyson, strike back, but you got to come back. You can’t dwell on the past and dwell on shit you can’t change. You got to just bounce back.

Between me and you, I'm just as human.


I wouldn't blame you, you're a human.


I'm only saying this because I know what I've been doing.


I'm only saying this cause I'm improving.


And everything I say, I hope I prove it.


I miss the days when I had a smile on my face and wasn't so caught up in all of the small things. Wasn't so adamant that I needed a favor in return for the ones I dished -
And wasn't so cautious and always exhausted

Lately I’ve been making mad noises. It's kind of hard to maintain sober minded. Why contain myself when they say that I am crazy? 


What happened to me? Yeah, what happened to me? When did I start question my purpose to breathe?


[Martin Luther King Jr.]
And finally, in your life’s blueprint
Must be a commitment to the eternal principles of beauty, love and justice
Don’t allow anybody to pull you so low as to make you hate them
Don’t allow anybody to cause you to lose your self respect to the point that you do not struggle for justice
You have a responsibility to seek to make life better for everybody

I'm now exercising my visions so that I can make good decisions. And it's hard to explain cause;
Me, pain and self pity go way back – Made so many wrong decisions, ‘til I fell in love with optimism and self confidence; And our love, it's like the sweetest thing.
I know when people see my authenticity it’s hard to conceive that's one of my biggest idiosyncrasies. That means peculiar behavior don't Google it! 


Gravity’s working harder now, Just to hold me down cause my ego’s getting larger now.
I’ve been walking through the ashes of my passions, screaming freedom, but I stay captured.


We all are searching for affirmation - like some sheeple wandering the atlas for validation and valid statements from those who'd never validate us. Most captives don't recognize, even if it is rooted in ignorance, self-awareness is necessary to counter hereditary impotence.


Minds tainted, boppers gyrating, my eyes straying. Sleeping, is the only time I lie now.
Aye look at me, blessings came when my storm raged. My message low-key; so, I find it hard to recognize the door frame to every mindset exit.

I'm in my element and feel benevolent even when I'm viewed as the elephant, cause if I ever go down, my soul will be swinging' like pendulums.
Me: If I could say one thing to the next generation... Genius is so lonely cause nobody understands us arh!
And my younger self …
It will be this…
Don’t believe in all those boxes they put you on, you different and they don’t have to get it. like Spanish, your word play is Romance so...
f*ck boys cannot understand it

(Kudensi) “What do you think people see when they look at you?”
To tell a lie...
I'm uncomfortable to tell you the truth.

You should be ashamed! You stick your heart for everyone 
Till they grip and aim for your pain.
With every tear in my eye. I've had to turn that into art 
Ever seen a good friend turn paigon?
A pretty girl glow down, turn basic?

I used to dive in, but now I stay by the shore - Cause when you get used to the lenses, your eyes can be tinted way much more than usual, cloudy judgement aren’t viewable anymore.


That I truly found a synonym worthy that truly highlights my aura, it’s my time to elevate. Look, life is a road trip, you'd be surprised how many people would get out their car and help you push your car if they see you pushing' your car.


Like bruh. Most of the people I'm letting in, they wholeheartedly need to understand Boblo comes in different folds. 
It's two things that's yours, your body and your sin.


Boblo is bipolar.
Boblo is cool.
Boblo is smart.
Boblo is normal.
Boblo is different.
Boblo is a Middle child
Boblo is Boblo.

I’mma say this one time and one time only!
You ain’t an artist, I don’t respect your opinion about my craft.
Lost my O’l man once but we about to be done if he goes through with it; Such audacity he must have!
OCD, tryna push my buttons
Please don't touch it!


I hate to be different, but hate to be normal. Every article I’ve ever written had some me in it.
Every article was a product of pain, thoughts and premonitions. My brother just made me stronger on how to deal with it – No more apologizing for being different. From now on man, fuck it, I'm just gon' be Boblo! And not apologize for it.Look they say money can't buy you happiness. But I swear to God it's a good down payment.
I mesmerize, how simple decisions can jeopardize.


Like, when Martin Luther cheated and stared at Coretta's eyes. We all got skeletons in our closet from a shady past. I wish that I could trust my intuition; claim that I don't care what people think, but is that really true?


Those are the type of questions that I struggle with. That's the type of thing that keeps me up at night.
Who I am and who I want to be cannot connect; so I got an umbrella for difficult moments not to drown into drugs, pills and self-hatred. You got to admit it, 
I'm out in the rain always, but you’ve never offer a piece of cloth – so I had to cut some people off.

See I know how it feels on the late nights, contemplating bout suicide, not once, not twice but a couple times.
Every morning' waking up to your corpse cause I'm at war with peace. I get scared, and start to get anxious.


That's when my thoughts can be dangerous, that's when I put on my makeup and drown in self-hatred, Forget what I'm saying.... Look they say money can't buy you happiness.
But I swear to God it's a good down payment.,

What's life without belief? What's life without goals? What's life without me? What's me without soul? What else can the world sell me?
Yeah, that's the type of questions I’m trying to find answers to.
Uh, sometimes life's about the people you know?


Watching' a flower bloom as its features grows.
I mean, I’ve never been one to preach to them folks
I'm just speaking' from experience.
I push away the people that I love the most; why? I don't want no one to know I'm vulnerable.

Coming home to family struggles gets me exhausted. I done been through a lot, but my family been through the worse. Crying' on this diary how I wrote this. They be suffering' in silence, they don't tell me a thing - All they tell me is, "Dan, go excel in your dreams"

Take a break, take a step back, realize, ayy, we all human. I love it, fix it, then I really hate it. A lot of people know me, but they don't know me well.

Outcast, yes, I'm a different breed - Normal to you is not to me, the outcast finally returns
Grab my hand, I'm drowning. See, I've always been full of pain, but now I'm making' some room. I feel my heart pounding - I haven't still found me yet! They said I'd be be blind in my thirties, so I’m trying to see it all.

All my emotions are violent. Last year, I felt suicidal. Next year, I might do something' different like talking' to God more

Losing my mind on occasion. Life is different, reminiscing.